Invisible Nurses and On Losing a Month

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I lost a month.

Well, maybe I didn’t lose it, it was simply misplaced like those mismatched socks. My new year started off with a lovely vacation visiting Dr. Seuss and the ocean. Then I had an unexpected guest arrive.

They eventually called it a Cervical Benign Polyp. I won’t get into details because it’s too X-files gross, but I was convinced this little guy was around for possibly 9 YEARS and was in the process of trying to expel itself out. When I did tune into guidance the message was clear that the “alien baby” (I would later call it) was a physical manifestation of major stuff I had gone through years before (lots of trauma and abuse), and I didn’t need to “carry” it around with me any more, now that I was finally feeling happiness.

The path to remove it was not short and easy. I was forced to face major fears and I am sure that was one of its purposes. The local doctor took one look at this thing and almost called in Hazmat, which was concerning. She wasn’t terribly sure what it was, maybe fibroid, maybe truly alien, but knew it looked “abnormal.” (By the way, never go to the Urgent Care for this kind of thing. They had no idea what a cervix looks like).

And this thing acted like a baby, so there was definitely a weird birth, or maybe rebirth, occurring within me. As it it made its way down to leave, it would hang out sitting on my bladder or other places and cause super discomfort. I spent most of my time lying down while googling different diseases on the Web while having pure panic, especially when the doctor wanted me to go down to Phoenix to see a specialist, who just happened to work in the Cancer Center.

That’s when I went into my own dark night of the soul. I had lost my mom to cancer in ’95 when I was young, too young to lose a mom. I watched her suffer terribly. My sweet sister had recently battled breast cancer and so gratefully, it was found very early. There was no way in heck I was going through that journey. Fortunately, I had never had any real health issue in my lifetime, unless you consider the sensitive stomach issues I’ve had ever since I was a kid. I am the type of person (highly sensitive) that faints when blood is drawn, is allergic or sensitive to most medications, and reacts to things like MSG in food. I suck with the medical stuff, and struggle strongly with trust.

During that time I processed HUGELY again my grief with losing my mom and the process of watching her die. I don’t know if I ever really processed the second part fully. I took a good look at my life and what I wanted to birth into the world besides alien intrusions. My guidance was still it was benign and even the chances were slim it was not, but this was all in my face and the doctor’s reaction really scared me. For the millionth time in my life I was forced to trust my own guidance vs. the fear that was surrounding me telling me something else. 

The visit down to the specialist was nerve-wracking and scary and if Ben hadn’t been with me with his rock solid support, I never could have gone through it. The specialist was convinced it was benign but threw out more fearful things like hysterectomies and surgery. I waited for the results of the biopsy as I coped with the effects of walking around with an alien baby trying to emerge, while thinking about possible names and watching old X-files episodes for support.

spaceship

The results came back benign, and that it was a polyp, so I didn’t have to go down a dark alley but I had to prepare for a surgery I’ve never experienced. In between, I spent more times tuning into guidance and receiving insight. I was getting rid of toxic “invasive” energy I accumulated through the years and my body was so brilliant that it contained it in one nice little ball. I was clearly seeing where there was an imbalance pattern in my life of giving out and not taking in that included taking jobs where I was expected to give 100% but not get paid, and relationships where I was treated poorly but was expected to take care of others. I had to rethink how I did this creative thing I do that would also take into account my own needs.

As friends from all over sent prayers I do think a few sent a few extra angels. I was waiting in the pre-op room for surgery with Ben, with my first IV in my arm, no blood sugar for the day, and scared out of my mind, and I closed my eyes hoping it would all disappear. And then I felt it. Someone started stroking my hair on the right side of my head…and Ben was sitting on the left side of me. I knew I would be okay.

Back recovering and doped up on heavy Ibuprofen I felt my invisible nurse again. It was the same kind of stroking the hair. This nurse really likes long hair. And I even heard her. I heard things like the medicine was too strong for me, and I needed to drink more water. It was nice being looked after out of the hospital, even if it was from the spiritual realm.

I’ve been home recovering and this is the first day I can reflect and not sleep all day. The other lessons learned will probably be processed for the days to come. An interesting side effect is whatever was removed from me has allowed me to hear much better — I can hear my dog girls’ inner voices loud and clear again. Their messages are simple and funny most the time — Cobi likes to jump up in your face to where you are because “she likes to see faces.”

 

I will trust that guidance inside and beside me that is louder, stronger and more trustworthy then the fear outside of me. I have also seen there is a lot of love in the world (and the spiritual world) for me no matter what my journey.

spaceship

If you do see a tiny spaceship flying around, do give it a wave for me and a sincere thank you for all that I have learned from its tiny inhabitant’s tutelage.

—————————————-

*I have included this essay in my new upcoming YOUR TURTLE SHELL, available for preorder here.

**There is no evidence that polyps or fibroids are tiny aliens, but I still hold to that theory.

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Categories: being a sensitive artist, help I'm sensitive books | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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